A story and a eulogy

Warning: A deeply personal story and I am trying desperately to fight back the damn mist in my eyes

My grandma, my hero, my pretty woman (seriously no kidding, she was the prettiest in my family)- decided that her children and grandchildren can take care of themselves and stopped breathing just a few days before Diwali this year. About a month ago, this time I was mid air on my way to India- almost sure gran would not make it but hoping, nevertheless, that she would.

She was at my cousin's engagement ceremony, smiling as always. No one knew what was coming...

Born in 1927 to parents who were a part of the Indian independence struggle, my grandma had an interesting childhood. My sister and I were so enamored by her life- we would sit by her and listen to her tell us stories. She always told us stories of her childhood with such fondness. It was never boring, never!

Coming from an erudite family, she was filled with dreams and aspirations. She always wanted to do more, study more, sing more, cook more, whatever she laid eyes on she gave it her best. She used to tell us (my sister and me) of the time when she would write songs on the walls of their home. She never stopped writing because writing songs made her life better,she was pretty good at it and she did it until the end of her time (in case any one who sings carnatic songs is interested, let me know- we are trying to get some of her songs recorded to honor her memory).

But at a young age of 16, everything she ever dreamed of doing and becoming was quashed when she married a guy who did not care to provide for the family, was constantly suspicious of whatever she did and hit her for his own shortcomings.

When her 4th child was just 13 days old, she was out on the streets. Thankfully, her parents and brothers were all kind enough to take 4 little children and my grandma under their wings. Sure no one thought the 4 children were going to make it, no one thought my grandma would make it- but they all did. And here I am writing about it, writing to say how honored I am to be a part of this family- the family that makes it despite the odds.

For women in an abusive relation, the women who think they cannot make it -if my grandma and her children can make it in the 1960s India, you sure can. Believe in humanity and the kindness of strangers. My grandma always did. She used to tell us her life stories which always ended in strangers showing up when she needed the most help or even just a few comforting words. She truly believed that such strangers were God sent.

There will be things that you would never forget and there will, most definitely be regrets. Her only life-long contrition was that she had not done enough for her children- no one who knows her or her children would ever say that though.

Her two favorite குறள் (Thirukkural, a two line short poetic verse penned by the greatest Tamil scholar and philosopher Valluvar) with crude English translations

அன்பிலார் எல்லாம் தமக்குறியர், அன்புடையார் என்பும்  உரியர் பிறர்க்கு  

Those who are not loving (or loveless) have only themselves, but those who spread the love, even their bones belong to everyone

தீயினால் சுட்ட புண் உள்ளாறும் , ஆறாதே நாவினால் சுட்ட வடு

Burn injuries will heal, but hurt caused by your tongue (your words) will not heal

All those times when we were happy together, cried together, when we fought for no particular reason and laughed for no particular reason- all those times will be missed.

You taught me to be kind and honest, to always tell the truth, to never stop learning, to respect nature and to always follow my heart.

Love you forever...

Words from the past

I found it funny when my mom recently said "think she got a centum in maths"- then I realized that now there are words in my vocabulary that I do not use any more.

maths- mathematics (math)
centum- 100%
stepney- spare tire (see I don't even spell it tYre)
flat- as in apartment
Rubber- eraser
Pass- out- as in graduated
this one's a favorite- carrying- as in pregnant
dicky-  trunk of a car

Tell me do you remember any more?!

Help me complete this list and tell me if you have any lost-in-translation-stories with these words!

I don't know if you know

about Anna Hazare and his crusade against corruption. This past weekend, a bunch of us (actually few of us) met at the square to walk for the cause. He has been in the news for a while now and I really appreciate what his crusade has done for the general morale of the country. The recent deluge of scams has left a bad taste and it will be quite interesting to see as to how this movement shapes up.

Every time I go home to Chennai, I cannot help but get angry. I absolutely detest the rowdy DMK rule but at the same time I wonder if it is not the DMK goondas then who else- surely the other party is not any better. The only positive- not as much nepotism in AIADMK unlike DMK where even his बहु की चची के ननदोई* के रिश्तेदारों को भी government post दिए जाते हैं!

If DMK does not already own half of TN, it surely will if they come back this time around. I was never much of a fan of Madras (now Chennai)- always thought that people were extremely narrow minded and culturally very closed. But now over these past few years, I have also added "laziness"to the "why-I-do not-like-Chennai" list.

Anyway back to the corruption issue-

India is ranked 87th (among the 178 nations) on Transparency International's 2010 Corruption Perceptions Index. A report released in November last year found that India lost $462 billion (that is right 462 followed by 9 zeros!) to illicit cash flows resulting from tax evasion, corruption, bribery and kickbacks, and criminal activities (this report is available here). Now this is seriously preposterous- the money that can be put to good use to help people like better education. 


So go ahead read all these articles and more- have healthy discussions and arguments with people you know. Talk, talk, talk...


A conversation overheard:


Lady- I am too scared to drive in the US while driving in India is pretty easy. 


Guy- really, how is that?


Lady- Oh, even if you make mistakes in India you can bribe your way out!


Guy- Hmm...yeah they made me pay 50 bucks for making a right turn on red. Come on, I did not see the "No turn on red" sign.


Me- an eerie silence at the plight of my fellow Indians!

Some references and source materials that I have used to write this
Corruption threatens India's growth
Wiki entry for Corrutption Perceptions Index
You can read all about his letter to the PM or the lokpal bill
Make giving bribe legal while taking it illegal-Kaushik Basu
Poverty in India-World Bank

Wedding 2011

Yes so finally it did happen- after being together for almost 6 years, the wise guy and I tied the knot. It has been a very surreal experience so far and in my books- nothing has changed except I now adorn a ring (could have been a lot more of traditional permanent jewelry indicative of a married woman except my lectures on feminism and how such adornments are not really me paid off). Yes, they did spend a ton of money but the family was all smiles and who in their right mind would ever say no to all that attention that is being given? Sure the price tag is huge but hey we can afford it, can we not?

I have so many complaints...

...  that I could

                

       Image source: here

....right NOW!!

That is right, you heard me. I have too many issues with people around me and I complain too much. I wonder "is it me?" or "is there really something worth further investigation?"- and the answer is: a bit of both! What can a girl do people?!

I don't know may be this is some kind of a strange mid-life crisis- but I thought it was the disease of middle aged men that makes them go crazy. I am a woman and I am not even MIDDLE AGED!

Oh whatever!

You can read more about women's midlife crisis here.

The Silent Spirit(s)

I know a woman. A woman with immense strength and character; a woman whose age is catching on to her. An unexpected call from home, each time, sends shivers down my spine  and I hear myself saying "Please, oh my, please, let her be-I cannot let her go just yet".

I consider her the "Martha Stewart" of our family- be it the food she cooks (rather cooked, she cannot do much these days) that tickles ones tongue or an embroidery pattern that flutters ones heart. She does not stop there- she composes devotional songs, the words for which are straight out of her soul and she sings them too. She is a great singer by the way (I learned the little music I know from her).  She is unarguably my biggest inspiration during my creative process. I do not think any of her children have her zeal for life (well they are all grown up now and they are different people!).

Dei sub numine viget (Under God's power she flourishes), this woman truly believes that her life would not have been possible but for the help she got throughout her life in various forms. I have not known another person who is forever thankful to God for sending help when she needed it the most.

"Some of the strong women from our family"

It was in 1927, she was brought to life into an intellectual clan in a village by name Mannargudi (in Tamil Nadu). I remember her making it a point to tell me (many times indeed) that she was the sixth child and being the sixth was considered unlucky. I am not sure if it is because she was born after 5 others or not but she definitely could have had a better life and she deserved one just the same.

Leaving a suspicious, jealous, abusive husband who lived off the proceeds from HER family should have been easy- but not in those days- the pressure that society put on women was enormous (it still is, is it not?). She got out of one hell hole only to fall prey to the hurtful things that people had to say about her situation. She kept at it though- got two master's degrees (regrets not having gotten two more), taught high school children and raised her own 4 children. There would days when all five of them would go hungry for months together. But in the end, the five of them came through it all just fine. She even published a book of her compositions.

She hardly ever used to complain about it before, but now with age, her weakened spirits and strength have  paved way for self-pity and regrets from the past. She feels lonely, worthless and considers herself a burden on her children. She does know that I love her to death. To me what is very interesting- staying strong for so long (for her children mostly) and not letting her guard down (staying strong as a full time job impacts even the best of us) seems to have an impost on her. I can only imagine the state of one's mind when they go through rough patches constantly in their life, how unfortunate can it get. One can argue that there are people who have done worse, but it really does not give any hope. It breaks my heart when she hurts even a little- no one can hurt her anymore, I will not let them. She is now under my protective custody! So back off demons from her past... let her be, that is all she is asking of you.

Why this post now,

Violence, especially, against women and children, is pernicious. Several NGOs and government organizations are working toward putting an end to domestic violence around the world. Domestic violence was recognized only in 1983 as a criminal offense under Indian penal code section 498-A and a domestic violence act aimed at protecting women in a domestic set up was passed in 2005. It is shameful that even now about 70% of married women in India are victims of domestic violence. Women are still reluctant to report violence against them. Violence and abuse have a severe impact on the victim's mental health and their self-esteem takes a huge hit. International Women's day is fast approaching (the theme this year is equality)- please do whatever little you can, to spread awareness about victims groups and rights in place to help them through their ordeal.


PS: you can read more about domestic violence here and here.

Shut up...

Photo source: The malaysian

Do you know the kind who use a lot of words to say something simple or the kind that use the entire breadth of their knowledge of English language to convey something that you still would not understand after they finish their sentences, yeah that kind (I am mostly irritated because they talk too much, their verbosity comes later). Most of the times, I feel like saying to them just shut up but when I have my generous moments I kind of pity them. It seems to be an obsession, a way of trying to prove their worth.

But wait- there might be actually a point to all this talking, says Susan Blackmore. Theories out there from a genetic perspective suggest that talking might soon be a lost cause as it seems to be a waste of energy. Others from an evolutionary standpoint suggest that we are stuck with it today because somehow the advent of language and therefore talking was extremely advantageous to out ancestors. But Susan in her article describes yet another possibility- the spreading of memes through talking (remember memes all ye' Dawkins readers out there). For those who have not read Selfish Genes- memes are essentially a unit of cultural transmission or imitation. Examples include catchy tunes, trendy styles and ideas. Say for example- my hopelessly pathetic book reviews can be at some level considered as spreading memes. I read it, I am telling you all about it and hopefully you will tell someone else about it...so on and so forth.

And as far as talking is concerned- think about our brain filled with ideas. These ideas will get transmitted only when you talk, the ideas that are easy to say and forces the host to say them (like celebrity scandals). So essentially you act as the host for the ideas that need to be heard, the "say-me" memes as Susan puts it in her article.

I want to leave you with what George Washington said-

"If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter house"

Not an optimist myself, yet I do hope the kind I described earlier would put talking to good use!

Parent trap

They are never boring- my conversations with my mom, that is of course when we are not fighting (well we do not fight much over telephone, only friendly arguments!). They get particularly predictable when I tell her that I would be taking off for the weekend, usually travelling to another city/state/country (Well that last one has not happened much!).

(Photo source: wikitravel)

Me: Ma, I am going out of town this weekend, will be back Monday


Ma: Why my dear, why do you want to spend so much? (In Tamil- ஏன் டா இப்படி செலவு செய்யறே?)


Me: Ma, money is meant to be spent, it is not something that will stay forever


Ma: I know da, but still,


and so our wrangles continue...

I guess I should not tell her that I am planning on a trip that would involve most of my savings and a lot more of my time... shhh!

So there you have it- my parents seem unarguably protective of their finances, they are not miserly (not by any stretch of imagination, well may be a little but I know where that stems from...)- but  when it comes to travel, they think it is usually a waste of money and that it should be done as scarcely as possible. Well on why travel is not important (their views not mine, hell not mine at all!)- a. we spend on things that are absolutely essential, b. we help people (family and friends alike) in their times of financial crisis and therefore we cannot afford to be spending on travel, c. we have been in deep financial troubles and hence we know the value of money (in fact this used to be their favourite argument, not anymore), yada yada yada. Oh, I almost forgot-d. these days it is usually we just like to stay put in one place, e. we do not crave journeys to the neverland anymore (Its not just one aspect, is it?!). Imagine if all of the above said arguments are used in one conversation...


There are two things that are interest me here
1. the sense that travelling somehow is akin to the crash of wall street and the feeling that nothing good comes by going around the country or the world (well it is just a vacation, what is the big deal) and 2. try not to spend money on anything other than the most important, well then that leaves us with just food and shelter, does'nt it? (God knows the clothes I have now would last me my lifetime!).


Now, I am curious- are my parents stereotypes, in that, do most people of the older generation feel that way, is it an Indian thing (pardon the lack of words here)- are they too busy or lazy to bother with travelling? Are they so protective of money- saving money is one thing but hey, not splurging once in a while on YOURSELF has got to be bad for the soul, right?


From where I stand, the standard sort of vacationing in an exotic city or a country does not excite me as much as going to a place to spend a considerable time in a place, learning about its people and their favourite haunts, their culture, history, a bit of their language, some of their cuisine, more of this and more of that-  something like an anthropologist might do, you know. That is what is fun to me and I hope I can do it sooner than later- have a humble beginning, may be in India first. While I have been toying with this idea for a mere 3 years now, something unknown stops me executing it (my thought on why- I am too afraid that I would not be able to get a job if I quit and go on my little knowledge expedition!).


My parents, well they just have to wait, watch and learn...  :D

Farmville- a quest

Farmville- seems like everyone is doing it! Since I have not even a faintest idea as to why someone would want to play this game or what turns them on when it comes to this game, I decided to do a bit of digging. An important mission, might I add, to restore my sanity. Thankfully NPR had a short segment on it today, that helped and then of course this is why the wide world of the internet exists!
For one, Farmville is THE most popular game on FB with nearly 63 million users (what is it with this game!). One basically manages a virtual farm is all- plant, grow, harvest that kind of thing . May be if these 63 million users did some of their own actual farming instead of spending time playing a game...
Quite interestingly- the games comes free of charge but you do have to use REAL money in order to buy more land and large equipment like tractors (tractors cost 20 bucks a pop). Apparently the creator of this game (and a few others on FB), Mark Pincus has been raking profits even amidst these tough times (yeah, go figure...).
Well as for me, I do not think I can spend any more of my time ducking in a virtual world (I personally feel that I spend too much time on the internet!). So Farmville or any other ville avatars- good luck and beware of the black sheep.

Start your day GRUMPY...

This morning something odd happened- well it might not be that unusual but it seemed a bit unnerving to me anyway. We came to the car parked on a busy road (especially crazy at 9:00 in the morning). He got in to drive while I waited for him to pull out of the icy mess and give me some space to get in. Incidentally he did not see the bicyclist. She thought he was going to stop for her but he did not see her. She was yelling out "stop for the bicyclist" but of course he did not hear her. He pulled out really slowly, while she also kept at it- and all that happened was she stumbled a bit. Okay mistake probably was his- I don't know, she saw him driving and not stopping and so she decided not to stop either... anyway she got really worked up and started screaming like crazy. Things like "Jacka**, can't you stop for a bicyclist" and much more. So nothing odd about it, right?
Well, while she yelling I was watching her in awe. I could not understand how someone could actually be so grumpy early in the morning. I mean come on, how do you yell like that with such loathing in the morning. After a presumably good night's rest, Yyou wake up, have coffee and breakfast, wash, get dressed and leave for whatever it is that you are going to do for the rest of the day. Amidst all these things what happens that makes you crabby like that? Then what happens to the rest of your day? May be she is going through something genuine...
I sure felt sorry for the next person that came in her way.
I cannot fathom such emotions, can you?